#4 I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL...

October 2022. So here I stand: The apartment empty, the backpack full. Everything is prepared and I am ready.

I literally can't wait. I want to break free, out of the routine that, in the end, isn't really a routine anymore. Everything is different than at the beginning of the year but still somehow everything is the same. Looking back, my old life seems like a jacket that doesn't fit my style or requirements - it's serving its purpose but it's neither pleasant to look at nor particularly desirable.

Just recently, I talked to a friend. We discuss future plans during sunset when he starts a sentence: "I can't wait until -" He interrupts himself, pauses, and finally says he shouldn't say that. Surprised by the change of heart but still in an understanding tone, I tell him he doesn't have to share anything he doesn't want to. He just laughs, and then an unexpected depth comes to light: "It's not about what I'm working towards. It's about this moment, the situation I'm in right now. It was also my 'I can't wait until" at one point. And now I can't wait until it's over... It feels like I'm not enjoying the present and isntead I am only on my way towards a better future."

I listen, think about it, try to relate it to the here and now but also in terms of everything I've been through in recent years.

When I think about the summer before my big departure, when everything was still orderly and normal, I also remember that there were these thoughts even further in the past. "I can't wait until..." I wanted, for example, to finally be done with school, then with the social work, then with the training on the job... And then, after achieving all those those milestones, I just wanted to escape everything about my life that I didn't like. Surely, these dissatisfactions could have been resolved differently, but why not like this? I wanted something new, exciting, unknown. A new stage for me to explore and unfold through its impact - free from ingrained patterns and expectations that surrounded and blocked me.

I'm not 100 percent sure where these limiting feelings in me come from, then and now. In general, I tend to be somewhat skeptical about the situations I find myself in. I can accept and enjoy many things as they are, especially the simple things. But when it comes to more profound matters, especially interpersonal ones, I start to ponder. Am I accepted and appreciated? Am I even liked? Am I important to those I would wish for it?

Too often my brain filters out evidence for the confirmation of these irrational assumptions. I guess I should focus on trust or indifference because, rationally, there is usually no reason for these serious accusations. It's just the pursuit of confirmation, of reaping the harvest of the seeds I sow with my behavior as part of other people's lives. Another quote comes to mind. This time not from a buddy of mine, but from Nietzsche: "The desire for reciprocation is not the desire for love but for vanity." On one hand, I can totally understand that. But I'm not sure if it's vanity in my case. It feels more like insecurity, inferiority. Wanting to be enough and wanting to get confirmation of that. But maybe it's vanity after all, who knows. In any case, I am relieved to build a distance to all of this. I go from "I can't wait to finally find my place and my people" to "I am my own team." So, I try indifference. Positive indifference. I don't want to go through life with nihilism and without sympathy because I cannot and do not want to cap my outgoing love, kindness, or care towards the poeple dear to me. But I try to curb my desire: by being enough for myself, I won't need this feeling from anyone else. And apart from people, I also set this goal towards life: I want to be content with what I do, which, in turn, leads to not constantly hoping or working towards something that is not yet within reach.

I think I've been doing quite well through my travels without experiencing this phenomenon of constantly rushing into the next, supposedly better life chapter, even though my buddy's insights were revealed to me only after over a year away from home. This may be because, until now, I had practically never planned much further than a few days into the future. A privilege but sometimes tiring, as I now know. But somehow, it seems that these thoughts have vanished with the first day of the adventure. The only exception was waiting for the reunions with the people I met on the road and then met again.

I am sure that this 'I can't wait until' will never completely disappear from my life, and as the german saying goes, anticipation can be the most beautiful joy. Only, I think, one should not constantly neglect the daily joy either.